What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 04:39
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was very sick at this time too.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
What are some cool confidence hacks?
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Why was Boromir corrupted by the One Ring, but not Faramir in The Lord of the Rings?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
We were not on the streets..
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
In your opinion, who is the most overrated singer/band/artist in modern music history and why?
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My family never makes their pension either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
So whats the point in blame.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
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Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
But it wasn’t much.
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But ive been too sick for many years..
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
He resisted the act ,that day.
He knew the spot.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Ive learnt so much.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
She loved him until the end.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
She married twice! .
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
This is soul school!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My life is so biszare .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Who then, do I blame.?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
What did i know ?
So, i spoilt her more .
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
One cannot live in the past .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
But, we were locked up after school.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I was scared of men, in general
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I could never make a relationship work though!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She was in good health!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Im still living with it.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
She found it foreign!.
I said to her
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I never cut or harmed myself..
As i do to all so called friends.?
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I was 9 years of age.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Would this be the day?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was seconnd youngest,
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I write beautiful poetry .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
And i lived it daily.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Comes on , in middle age.
I don,t even have a pension.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She wouldn,t have been !
It was going to be , some day.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
I waited trembling.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
We all went to grammer schools
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I will be 64.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
All the time i was locked up.
I think the readers, may guess!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Why did i forgive my father ?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!